Hailing from a garage somewhere in the far East, we caught up with 5 Elements Entertainment to find out more about their recently released iPhone applications: PITCHING WOO and MUD SLINGER. They requested we only use the transcript of the video interview. These guys apparently like to play it close to the Gi and frankly, we respect their request for privacy for fear of retaliation, that would most certainly involve painful inappropriateness. We think they’re being overly cautious…after all, we’ve never heard of them and bet you probably haven’t either. So who are the 5 Elements?
“We are the embodiment of the arts. We feel that like the different natural elements that make up the natural world, there are elements that make up the world of entertainment. Fire is a master of film and story, Wood is the master of games and design, Water is the mater of music and sounds, Air is the master of technology and art, and Gold is the master of business and finance. We are all real world professionals that have an extensive amount of experience working with the biggest companies in entertainment, and we’re all ridiculously handsome. We found not unlike the synergy of the elements in the natural world, we need to bring the elements of entertainment together to make the best products possible.”
After sitting down with Master Air, it quickly dawned on us that Pitching Woo was no ordinary love voodoo application. This guy could be on to something, as he explained while talking about himself in the third person.
“Master Air is always breaking with tradition, donning his silk robes and trying to, as he likes to say, “transcend boundaries through babes.” During his wanderings of the romantic wasteland, he noticed that the right pet name makes a woman weak at the knees and when he’s called a “sly wonder bug” his heart goes a flutter. We decided to create an app that would allow anyone to become master of romantic nicknames without years of training and meditation. The result is Pitching Woo. With over one million combinations at your fingertips, you’re bound to find the pet name for Mr. or Mrs. Right( or Mr. and Mrs. Right Now if that’s your thing).”
There’s an awful lot of snake oil out there and many people claim their methods are the ultimate Cupid’s arrow. Will the Pitching Woo app really help get me more lovin?
“Our Master of Legal Affairs tells us we can’t make any promises, but if this were you and me hangin outside talking Martial Arts and Meditation and you asked me on the DL, I’d say yes – absolutely.”
Can Pitching Woo help me translate my romantic nicknames into alien languages?
“Possibly, some of the algorithms are still being developed by Master Air. Most of the aliens we’ve met have come to earth to challenge our Kung Fu, and while dispatching them, we rarely hear anything romantic pass from what we assume are their mouths.”
I argued that too much Love can be a bad thing and that we can’t all be Pitching Woo (even though I might be right now). Master Water went on to spin me the tale of the Mud Slinger.
“While leaving the 5 Elements temple, Master Water was cut off by a horse drawn cart doing over 5 miles per an hour. Shocked and perturbed, Master Water lost his normally remarkable ability to deliver the perfect insult. As a result, he shook his fist in the air and bizarrely uttered the word “youuu…youuu.” Vowing this should never happen to anyone again, Master Water returned to the temple and rallied the 5 Elements to create the Mud Slinger. It is the Yin to Pitching Woo’s Yang.”
Remarkable. How many insult possibilities does the Mudslinger offer and what are some of your favorites?
“Mud Slinger has over 1.2 million possible insults. With that many insults, Water will never again have to hesitate or ever be at a loss for that perfect insult! Some of the honorable 5’s favorites are…”
Decaying Bowel Hunter
Unclean Weiner Weasel
Odorous Zit Mongrel
Overfed Diaper Topping
I appreciate the endless possibilities to insult the people I love the most, but some critics might argue that name-calling is too rampant. Do you really think we need more Mud Slinging in this world, especially in the form of an iPhone application?
“We wouldn’t say that the world needs more Mud Slinging, just better quality Mud Slinging. The old insults are just that…old. And if I hear one more Yo Momma joke, someone’s getting a double twist, frosty roundhouse in the throat.”
I understand your fans on iTunes have been very pleased with these applications. What are some of your favorite comments you’ve received on iTunes about either application?
“This is one of those magical apps that will make your stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing. I’m trying to work but keep finding myself slinging mud at invisible foes. This is too much fun!!”
“I bought this for a little fun with some friends. I must have slung mud 1000 times with no repeats, and the insults are so out of control… I just started texting screen shots to my friends, at least they were my friends till I called them a Toilet Clogging Hemorrhoid Monkey. I love this app!”
What’s next for the 5 elements?
“Games and Unique apps that fill the needs of the masses. We really want to focus on making product that will inspire and entertain. All of the elements have a passion for what we are doing and an unlimited amount of creativity so I think we have many ideas we would like to bring to fruition.”
Fantastic then. One last question: why do all of the members of the 5 elements have obscenely large eyebrows?
“You know what they say: big eyebrows = big feet and big feet = big………………..shoes.”
Pitching Woo and Mud Slinger are both available on iTunes.